White on White
by El Juno
Summary: Kouichi's got some thinking to do, and control is slipping fast. Yaoi, incest, blood. Edited - 22-JAN-2003


This has not been betaed...mostly because I think it would freak my usual beta-reader out too much. I daresay it freaks ME out, more than a little.  
  
It has, however, been edited since I posted it.  
  
Kouichi's POV. I'm not sure where it sticks in canon, but it might help to consider them all a bit older than their ages in the show. It makes ME feel better about this.  
  
And it's Yaoi. And, more importantly, incest. Freaky incest at that. If you can't deal with that, walk away slowly.  
  
I suppose you could also call it exhibit one in my theory of Frontier Shipping...AKA, someone's gotta molest Kouji, and I really don't care who's doing it.  
  
----------------  
  
Blood calls to blood, or so I've been told by people who would likely have a reason to know. I'm not sure what I can say to that, but I have to admit that it's as good an explanation as any for...  
  
Don't think about that.  
  
I bite down lightly on my left hand. Not hard, not at all. This is not self punishment, this is a desperate attempt to center in the midst of unthinkable thoughts.  
  
Don't think that when I first found out I had a brother I immediately resolved to find him and fuck him. Find him, yes, but the other part? I'm not THAT weird.  
  
Not that I'm not weird. I mean, when I first SAW Kouji, before I figured out who he was, I wasn't really attracted to him, beyond the most basic level. I didn't think he was bad...okay, not bad at all...but I can't call myself fully clean...it WAS after I figured out he was my brother that this got so...overwhelming. Some sick combination brought me here...the knowledge that he was beautiful, and the knowledge that he was my brother.  
  
And THAT is really, really weird. And it's also, probably, really wrong. But it's still true.  
  
In some way, though, some sick, fucked up beyond all possible belief way, it makes sense to me. We're twins, after all. When you spend your first nine months curled up around someone, when your first experience is based off someone...and then when you don't see them again until you're old enough to realise that they're attractive...when there's nothing except a hazy memory of comfort back in your reptile brain...comfort and skin touching skin and...  
  
Stop. I bite slightly harder, only a touch...center. Think. Move on.  
  
I have to wonder if Kouji's involved with anyone right now. Maybe he's fucking someone...maybe the little blonde Fairymon girl, maybe the boy with the goggles and the fire motif, maybe the big one. I don't know.  
  
Maybe no one.  
  
If he was, it would be easier. If he was, nothing would likely pull him away. But...  
  
Maybe he's thinking of me.  
  
I bite down harder. Control. First off, it's bad enough to imagine this stuff, and second off...  
  
Second off, I don't think he knows that I'M his brother. So, if he DOES think about me, even for a moment, even all the time, it's not quite as sick.  
  
Possibly not as fulfilling, either.  
  
I want to jerk off. I'm trying to regain control here, but my mind keeps supplying me with questions...thoughts...images...I wonder what kind of sounds Kouji would make in bed...would he be a screamer, or would he just moan, or would he call out?  
  
Could I get him to call me "Big Brother" as I fucked him, and wouldn't he look beautiful naked, with that bandanna of his tying his hands behind his back...  
  
Control.  
  
I bite down harder.  
  
I never planned this. I never FUCKING wanted this...when Grandma told me about my brother...when I found out...I thought perfectly fraternal thoughts, and planned a perfectly fraternal reunion.  
  
I didn't PLAN this. NEVER.  
  
I really wonder if he knows I exist, as such. I mean, he knows I exist, but does he know his brother exists? Let alone that we're the same person...  
  
I wonder how the color of the skin on his chest compares to the color of the skin on his face.  
  
I wonder how long I could make him last if we got into bed, and I wonder if he'd consent in the first place. My life would be simpler if he wouldn't...because I might be any number of really twisted things, but a rapist? Never.  
  
...If he said yes, though...  
  
Fuck.  
  
Bite down slightly harder. All I need is a focus. I can control myself. Really. And I will NOT jerk off thinking about my brother.  
  
Again.  
  
I wonder how...  
  
Fuck. Stop THAT one right there. Bite down.  
  
I wonder...  
  
Bite down.  
  
I...  
  
Bite...  
  
Bite too hard. The flesh tears under my teeth and my mouth fills with the taste of blood. It's not really that much, but it's more than I want to deal with.  
  
And I wonder, as the taste fills my mouth, as I start to give up and undo my pants with my unwounded hand, I wonder if Kouji's blood tastes like mine. 


End file.
